My favorite band aka 1988 was hands down Salt-n-Pepa. Of course, "Let's Talk About Sex Baby" topped out as greatest hit even if I wouldn't have it for a few more years. Ironically, it's also quite the topic of conversation in my recent sessions with clients. Here's the situation. I get on a call with one of my clients and she runs through our basic "check-in." She says, "Okay, the weirdest thing is happening to me when I'm about to orgasm. My boobs start to feel like they're going to let down, and then this rush of pain comes over me and I almost get nauseous. What is up with that?"
Right as she was asking the question, a "download" happened for me. I was with a man for a long time who had an intense and difficult relationship prior to ours. Although he'd done some work before the two of us getting together, ultimately he had more work to do. Trust was hard for him as a result from PTSD. Even though he trusted me with all his heart, he didn't trust himself. Because of this, he had this really intense reaction to orgasms where he felt nauseous and cramping pains. I didn't think too deep into his situation, but that day when she brought it up I was like, "BINGO!"
Suddenly it was as if two waves were colliding in my own brain. I saw how the brain operates, and a bunch of awesome neuropathways. I saw what Oxytocin does in our brain and body when it's released, and when it's released and the relationship to our experiences. I know the pituitary gland releases Oxytocin in moments of trust, lust, love, connection, and bonding. However, not everybody else does even if it is a hot topic. At that very moment, I also knew I had an answer for her.
Together, we were going to have to find a way for her to work-it-out to improve her experience. So, we dove deeper.
For the duration of our session, we built a fun worksheet for both she and her man to work out some unspoken feelings and situations going on at home. I explained to her what was going on in her body during orgasm and it's relationship to trust and bonding. I asked a series of questions that ended up leading to trust and confidence in their relationship. Now, this is a mama who loves a "sexy" love life. For sex to be uncomfortable for her is not an option.
It took us all of 10 minutes to build this worksheet. It was to be completed in the following 24 hours, over beers and sushi. She sent me an email a few days later and said it was a "big vulnerable moment," and she even felt a little silly having to work it out with him. When all was complete, she could tell she was projecting some stuff "out there." The immediate response to the conversation was it brought them closer together (perfect). At our next session, she actually said the magic came the following week when she recognized they were operating as a "united front."
I asked her about her orgasms and if the pain was still occurring, she said, "No, I haven't had pain since." Just remember there is distinct connection between the health of our sex lives and the need to know and understand how each other are feeling/doing/getting by emotionally, especially with the growing responsibilities of being parents.
Now this story is unique to one woman and one man. I have had a million different conversations about sex lives with women who have young children, and everyone works out their issues differently so they can have some fun in their relationships. If you've seen This is 40, and can relate to any or some of the challenges of growing up with your kids, you know there's going to be some work (like communication and making sex a priority) to keep the sexy mojo ON. So, do it!
Today, my challenge to you is to explore the connection between you and your lover. When it is flush and confused by the things you leave unsaid (which often creates building resentment), how do you regain and rebuild your love connection so the sex is sexy and good again? Give it to me in the comments below.
I hope you have a beautiful and potentially orgasmic week. Thank you, as always for coming by and if you like this share it with a friend.