The First Holiday Without My Kids...

The holidays are quickly approaching, 35 days to be exact. While I usually look to this time of year with a bit of excitement and merriment, this year I am dreading it.

This will mark the first holiday that my kids spend with their dad in another state and I get to wake up on Christmas morning alone. Really there is no other way to say it, I’m fumbling through writing this because I’ve never had to do something quite like this.

My daughter spent her first birthday with her dad and you better believed I cried all day. That same daughter who came out of my vagina while he was on a business trip got to spend her first trip around the sun with him, I guess you could say l was a little bitter about it, but I digress.

This is the reality of breaking up when you have kids; I just didn’t know it would be so hard. 

This will be my kids third and second Christmas’s, we don’t have that many under our belt, but I know this is the age that you dream of when you become a parent. My son will be excited to open gifts, like throwing the paper, shaking the boxes, wearing the bows, kind of present opening and I’m going to miss it.

I have tried to justify to myself that it will be just another day and that of course they need to spend time with their dad too and I will get them for the following Christmas, but there is just something so heart wrenching when you think about even a minute away from your kid, let alone a major holiday. I’m telling myself that it’s going to be ok, that they won’t know anything different than splitting holidays, that I will be surrounded by my friends and family who will share in my sadness and are willing to do our Christmas a week early just so that I get some semblance of the actual day.

All the justifications in the world can’t take away my heartache though. 

Sometimes it all seems so trite to get so wrapped up in the holidays, to worry so much about what gift we are buying, or what dish we are making, or to be overly stressed about a clean house for company. We get so worried about all of the details surrounding the holidays when the most important part is WHO we are spending our holidays with.

I wish so desperately that I could spend that day with my kids, but I fortunately get to spend every day with my kids. So, I will fly them to sunny California to enjoy their holiday with their dad, I will hug them tight and see what gifts they received over FaceTime and start counting down the 405 days until Christmas 2016. 

This year is going to be hard, mainly because it is my first, and I guarantee my heart will break a little bit every time I have to send my babes off, but I hope it will get easier over time.